In response to recent, unfounded sniping that FedEx either (i) has failed to perform to expectations, or, (ii) may have deliberately misled its customer base in regards to service expectations, I have received the following clarifications from a highly placed, albeit anonymous source in FedEx:
1. We believe that the word ‘there’ is clearly defined and widely accepted as meaning ‘somewhere other than here’. We stand proudly behind our pledge that any package, once entered in our system and received from the sender is ‘there’ overnight.
2. The inclusion of the word ‘overnight’ is primarily added for clarification. No package shipped with FedEx is delivered on the same day in which it is shipped, hence we also stand proudly behind our claim that every package in transit in the FedEx system will be ‘there’ (as defined in section 1) overnight.
3. We further understand that there are those that may misinterpret the meaning of ‘overnight’ as being ‘the next day’. For our purposes, the word ‘overnight’ is added to alleviate any concerns customers may have about packages disappearing overnight, and to give comfort that a package in transit on the FedEx system is ‘there’ (as defined in section 1) overnight, each and every night that it is in transit, as well as during the day.
4. We have invest extensively in sophisticated tracking systems so that those so obsessed can determine where exactly ‘there’ is, at any given time.
This should serve to make clear that any other expectations are unfounded and/or based on some expectation not set by us, or some specific promise that is assumed by the customer, but not explicitly stated by FedEx.
Further questions, accusations and/or expressions of disappointment would be wrong and will not be tolerated here.
Come on guys. When your ebony drums show up, what will be the greater concern:
• They are a day or two late
• They are faux veneer forever
Ubermensch muffins, dressed in snappy outfits, marching to the beat and singing: "Deutschland, Deutschland über alles..."